As I said in a previous post (at least I think I did) I mostly use this blog as an outlet, sometimes to talk gaming, other times to get things out. Partly to keep my brain in order, and to practice writing.
I would like to take some time and talk about myself. It wont be in any sort of order, just snippets. Sometimes though, spinets are all that it is needed to get a greater picture. This is not for anyone in particular, but might help for future reference for anyone wanting to know more about me. Or for me to look at when answering the inevitable question "could you tell me about yourself?" In job interviews or whatever. Anyway, lets begin. (I will title the parts).
Anxiety
Ever since I was a boy, I have always been shy of other people. It has never done me any favors, and has gotten progressively worse over my life time. I am not sure if anyone is to blame for the way I am, but I wouldn't hold it against them.
The shyness and nervousness that I experience eventually turned into physical symptoms. This came from my school life not being very nice. I was one of the freaks at school, treated like shit from anyone. The teachers seemed to feel sorry for me, but there was nothing much they could do. I always dreaded going to school, especially break times as I was the target for every nasty bastard that lurked the halls. I was an easy target too, as I could not stick up for myself. I had no one to stick up for me. I eventually found a place I could hang with others like me, so we could all hide away at break times.
In the mornings, those physical symptoms would come out as dry heaving. It wouldn't last long, and after a few minutes it would pass.
When I left school, I didn't look back. I left things like art stuff there and my woodwork project etc. But I just didn't want to go back. That building now doesn't exist, and I feel no loss for it at all.
Going to college after this, those symptoms went away. I was fine through my college life, I was finally getting some respect. I still had my doubts though, questioning people's intentions. My final year, was great. We had a close knit group, as a class we would always go to lunch together etc. I met two good friends there also.
I was pushed into university by my form tutor at college. He was quite old fashioned in that way. I didn't have enough credits to do the course I wanted, which was a four year degree course in Computers (networking). One of those years would have been work experience. I could have still successfully got in though, as courses need to have bums in seats. But I didn't feel I was worthy. Looking back now, I think it was a stupid thing to do.
In the end, I did the foundation degree course, which was two years with a chance at a third year to top it up to a full degree. I was successful in the end though, but I have my regrets.
Going back to anxiety; going to uni is what fully set me off. Instead of just having these panic attacks in the mornings, I would have them on and off all damn day. It would begin as I started to enter the building. To combat it, I found that sucking on a hard candy would sort of keep it at bay. I was using cough drops. I would get some funny looks, as of course it didn't look like I had a cold.
An associate I did work with would ask me if I had a cold. I think he thought I was weird. Later on I turned to mints, and to this day it is my go too thing to stop me from having a panic attack. Maybe I am even addicted, I do not know.
Of course, I kept all of this to myself. I think this made it worse. Eventually telling people about my affliction, has made it better. Who knows, perhaps I'll get over it one day.
More later.
No comments:
Post a Comment