Emotions, Life and utter madness.

There are many emotions. Some of these emotions can be quite exhausting. After the initial adrenaline of it all, you then slump into tiredness. Emotional tiredness is probably more tiring than physical exertion. I suppose this is why people recommend exercise to combat depression. I have to say though, I do feel great after a long walk. I can walk for miles and miles if I don't stop in the middle. When I do stop though, wow. Those pains are quite real indeed.  

The most exhausting emotions are fear, sadness, anger. These can come in a chain of negative bondage, one link connected to the other. Then the feeling of depression, emptiness, feeling "dead inside" like there is a hole in your soul, but then you are too tired to feel anything.

You can be angry over anything really, it's a reactive emotion. You can drop something on your foot, hurting yourself in the process. Are you angry at the object, yourself for dropping it? Perhaps you blame another for distracting you, nudging you or some other reason you can think of and you're then angry at them? Or perhaps you're just angry because your foot is now in pain.

Emotional hurt can cause anger. It can cause sadness. Are you angry at the person for causing you this pain? Is it really them you are angry at, or are you angry at yourself for letting it happen to you? Is it really your fault? Or is it theirs?

I've spent my life being socially awkward. I suppose I've always been like this since I was a young child. I don't think this is learned behavior (I think I was just born this way), although the way my dad was can't have helped. He wasn't abusive as such, but I was physically punished, smacked but not beaten. All the parents did it back then. Some still do, but I don't believe in it. Physical punishment isn't something I ever did or do to my daughter. I don't really shout at her often either. I don't want her to feel scared of me. I was scared of my dad. I didn't really respect him, though I respected the effort he put into his family and the sacrifices he made. We didn't get on too well and between his aggressive ways etc. I really did grow to hate his presence over the years.

I think this is why I never cried at his death. It was just more shock than anything else and then a sense of relief. I think that if he lived we would have eventually got into a real physical fight (it came close a few times, this man is one of the only people that caused me to really shout, I'm not a person that shouts. If you made a mellow guy like me actually shout then you really did something wrong. The only other person to cause me to get so angry and shout, is the mother of my daughter). If I had gotten into a real physical fight with my dad, he would have gotten badly hurt as I had lots of pent up anger towards him. I feared what I was capable of. The result would have been me getting kicked out of the house. Maybe that would have been for the best anyway as I really was too old to be living with my parents. I more or less moved out when I turned 30 and I practically lived (unofficially) with my girlfriend (my daughter's mother).

My relationship with this person was exhausting. Amy (my daughter's mum) had/has a lot of mental issues picked up from an abusive mother who had her own mental issues after being abused (I think sexually as well) by her father who was an actual Nazi. What was I thinking getting involved with Amy? Her mum didn't understand her neurodiversity (she is autistic) and would get angry and lash out at her. Her father walked out on them both as he couldn't take it any more. Amy's mother taught her to take advantage of men and use them. Amy took on some of this teaching but tried to rise above the negative stuff her mum taught her.

Amy went from relationship to relationship, never really having the ability to actually have an adult conversation with her partner when she wanted to end the relationship. She just jumped into bed with the next guy.

I was about 28 years old when I started speaking with Amy on Facebook. Back in 2012. She had met my friend Simon who was my childhood friend and neighbour, at a place called A4E (action 4 employment) on some sort of employability "course". Apparently she felt sorry for him, so became his friend. She seemed to have a thing for vulnerable people. She used to hang out with Simon at his house (he lived next-door to me with his parents as I lived with mine) to get away from her current boyfriend, Toby. (As I realised years later) she had toyed with Simon as she does with everyone. Amy was having one of her usual "rocky" relationships with Toby. She then got pregnant with Toby's child and Simon wanted nothing to do with Amy, had tried to exit his friendship with her (although he thought it was going to be something more the way she had toyed with him). Amy still managed to keep her grip on Simon for a bit longer. Amy had started to reach out to me on Facebook, and we talked sometimes, then we spoke often. I think she found me a vulnerable person, fresh meat.

I first met Amy in person when she invited herself to one of the cinema trips me and "the lads" often took together. It was a group of me, Simon, Gary and Matthew. Amy was pregnant at the time. I just treated her as no one other than a friend of Simon's. 

A couple of years later, me and Amy were speaking to each other online quite often and I ended up inviting her to my 30th. She wasn't quite single at this point, she was dating a guy called Ian, and doing her usual trick of getting bored of him and trying to get with someone else (which was me at the time). She later told me that Toby was paying her for sex while she dated Ian. Classy!

Looking back at this, I probably should have seen all of the red flags, I should have seen she was damaged goods, toxic. She wanted relationship conditions from me, even before we had even gone on a date, while telling me she didn't want a relationship. She was in full control over the relationship, when I could and couldn't see her. She would change her mind at the drop of a hat and say we were just friends. She would get really paranoid about me "looking at other women". She got really mean and nasty when she wasn't in full control over me. I was always nice and put up with her behaviour, like a doormat. 

Three years on and she was still accusing me of this and that, being nasty towards me. She was guilty of the things she was accusing me of. I am convinced (looking back at our chat logs) that in the first 3 months of dating, she had slept with a Guy called Michael. She had lot's of followers on the Internet with her cosplay and sexy photo shoots and damn right into the pornography territory. She loved the attention she got from that. She also had guys wrapped around her finger. Her other creepy friends thought she could do no wrong. They didn't really know her of course and anything she told them about her being the victim etc. was all delusional nonsense. 

From massive fights to her suddenly flirting, she would use sex to keep her partners from escaping her abuse. With me and her it went from me having a difficult time to get to see her (relationship was fully on her terms) then I more or less became her nurse, doing everything for her, looking after her, to her financially abusing me, manipulative as she was, I ended up paying her bills, paying for her shopping, then I was virtually half living with her and she then didn't let me leave. When I wanted my own space and wanted to go home, I wasn't allowed. If I did manage to leave, she was then on the phone all night not leaving me alone. Getting quite abusive as well. She wouldn't leave me alone while I was at work either.

I was working part time at yes2ventures at the time. I actually think part of the reason I was made redundant was that I was always on the phone with Amy, I was constantly worn out, angry and was becoming a burden to Mark, my boss. I had already destroyed a friendship with a colleague, Rachel as Amy had decided to send her jealous and unhinged messages on Facebook. Amy then manipulated me into thinking that it was Rachel's fault that Amy had a miscarriage. Rachel never came back to work after that. I can't believe I let Amy do that. 

I had a child with Amy, we officially moved into a house together a couple of months before Leliana was born. Speaking of emotions, when Leliana finally popped out (it seemed to happen very suddenly after hours at the hospital) I felt a rush of emotions all at once, nearly passed out. Probably the best moment of my life. 

Fast forward a couple of months, me and Amy were fighting on and off. Amy then decides to start having these online relationships with random guys. (although I never really took it seriously) Amy was falling into her usual pattern. We had a child together, Leliana was a couple of months old and Amy was being selfish. Come November-ish she had gone for a "geeky meetup" with this guy called Jack that she had met online. She came back on a coach about 2AM, and because it was a long coach trip from Essex, she had actually shat herself on the coach. I tried not to laugh. 

October time, Amy had gone down to London for a convention with this Jack guy. It was Halloween, I was sat on the sofa in our home, watching Halloween movies with my baby daughter. She was in her baby cushion happy as can be. So cute. I think I knew what Amy was up too, I was trying to enjoy the movies but I could feel my heart twisting in my chest like it was being wrenched out. 

I found out for sure a month or so later that she had fucked this guy, as she announced to me that she was pregnant. I was eventually made to move out as this Jack guy wanted to move from Essex to take accountability for this pregnancy.

Karma came to Amy in the form of Jack. It turned out that he is mentally unhinged. Amy had other online relationships afterwards which more unhinged people (not getting pregnant this time as they were overseas). Karma really does exist.

Fast forward 9 years on, after all of the social services involvement due to Jack being unstable and the kid's living in an unstable home (after I left my job in the care home, I looked after Leliana myself for a couple of months while Amy sorted her shit out), me now being in my "new" job for nearly 5 years, stuff seems to have settled down.

Amy rebranded herself as "Teddy" and is becoming more masculine (testosterone injections and later breast reduction surgery) as she is dating a gay man now. She has had various therapies and claims to be a different person. As Hermes (the parcel delivery company) rebranded as Evri, but yet is still the very same company it was before, proving that just because you changed your name, doesn't make you a different company or different person in the case of Teddy. Still quite manipulative when she wants to be. Makes enemies of the other mothers of our Daughter's school. Unhinged. 

Teddy (formerly known as Amy) is very good at planting stupid ideas into our Daughter's head. One lead to an accusation in which social services had to get involved again and I had to wait weeks not even knowing what the accusation was not being able to see my daughter. Teddy had made a video of her asking leading questions to our daughter. The police shut the accusation down as they even said it is Teddy's fault. 

After Leliana's 9th birthday (we had a nice birthday tea at my house, Teddy brought the cake and her other kid joined too). The week after was half term. I book my annual leave around my daughter's school holidays so I can spend time with her. Leliana insisted to spend time at her mum's on the Thursday and she stayed Friday as well. Because Leliana had spent Sunday at her mum's, Leliana was only with me 3 days. Not really fair considering I only get to spend weekends with Leliana, but it was her choice.

On the Saturday I went round to pick up Leliana from her mum's, then to take her to Tesco for some shopping and a treat. For some reason, Teddy had promised Leliana that she would dye her hair on the Saturday when Leliana is usually with me.

Leliana, as we stepped outside, asked if I could take her back to her mum's to have her hair dyed as she was dead set on that now. I said no, "your mum should have done that on one of the days you were at hers". Half way down the road to Tesco, Leliana refused to budge. I ended up taking her back to her mum's and I had a go at Teddy for putting ideas in our daughter's head (such as convincing Leliana she smelled of mould and that her hair was full of mold after being at my house, which is absolute bollocks, "Amy" being her usual manipulative self)

Teddy played the victim and denied doing so and ran off crying upstairs. Leliana went inside and I told Leliana I have had enough (Leliana was having an attitude problem and being disrespectful towards me) and that I didn't want to see her for the next month.

I have stuck to my guns over it. I've not seen Leliana for about 3 weeks now and I'm feeling indifferent towards this situation. 

During the weekends I've been on a journey of remembering the important stuff. Using various resources including my CV, posts on Facebook, old journal entries, to create a timeline of life events. Now at a glance I can pinpoint what year I was doing what, when and how long I spent doing x and y. I used old Facebook chats with "Amy" to dig up repressed memories. I did this because my daughter's behaviour of spending time with me on her terms only, reminded me of something. It reminded me of her mother. 

So far instead of spending time with me (her father) she has chosen to spend time with her half brother (Amy's first born. She only sees the kid once every 2 weeks, so I let it slide). But then spending time with a new cat became more important than spending time with me, on another occasion opening her new doll at her mum's was more important than spending time with me and lately having her hair dyed was more important. I know she's only 9, but it does hurt. Hurt leads to anger, to sadness, to depression. 

The more Leliana does this to me, the more I'm becoming numb to it. I've actually had a good month spending time on my own, doing whatever I want. 

By reading old interactions with Amy, made me realise how much of a doormat I was was and how much abuse I took from Amy in that relationship. I have some PTSD from it, my heart now has a permanent wall around it, I will not let myself be vulnerable to anyone ever again. I sent Teddy (formerly known as Amy) a few messages regarding this journey and how I know she slept with a guy back when we had started dating. 

One message from back in August 2016, Amy said she had invited a male friend over for a drugs binge. Now to put it in context, Amy used to lie about drug overdoses, suicide attempts etc. so I never really knew what was true or not (I mentioned this when I sent her a message recently). From what I can work out, our daughter was conceived in mid to late September. Was she doing drugs and sleeping with a guy that August? It makes me think and it makes me sick to my stomach. Teddy (formally known as Amy) will need to address and answer this question. Paternity tests are expensive and I've been Leliana's dad all her life. Not sure if I want to know the answer. 

I remember my mum asking me (when I told her Amy had slept with Jack) "are you sure Leliana is yours?" My mum still remains neutral regarding Teddy, asking how she is and how her other kids are. My mum is probably the nicest person you will ever meet.

Teddy (formerly Amy) ghosted me, but I applied sone pressure sending her an actual text rather than a WhatsApp, to draw her attention to the messages. Her response was only "I will only respond to messages regarding the welfare of Leliana". 

I spent father's day alone, never a message from my daughter (which would have to come via her mother's phone) or offer of a phone call.

Amy never respected me and I don't think Teddy does even now. We have been mostly civil over the years of our daughter's life, I've even continued to support and help with things. I try not to hold a grudge and keep it civil for the sake of Leliana. 

It's a crazy life. 

About myself Part 1

As I said in a previous post (at least I think I did) I mostly use this blog as an outlet, sometimes to talk gaming, other times to get things out. Partly to keep my brain in order, and to practice writing.

I would like to take some time and talk about myself. It wont be in any sort of order, just snippets. Sometimes though, spinets are all that it is needed to get a greater picture. This is not for anyone in particular, but might help for future reference for anyone wanting to know more about me. Or for me to look at when answering the inevitable question "could you tell me about yourself?" In job interviews or whatever. Anyway, lets begin. (I will title the parts).

Anxiety
Ever since I was a boy, I have always been shy of other people. It has never done me any favors, and has gotten progressively worse over my life time. I am not sure if anyone is to blame for the way I am, but I wouldn't hold it against them.

The shyness and nervousness that I experience eventually turned into physical symptoms. This came from my school life not being very nice. I was one of the freaks at school, treated like shit from anyone. The teachers seemed to feel sorry for me, but there was nothing much they could do. I always dreaded going to school, especially break times as I was the target for every nasty bastard that lurked the halls. I was an easy target too, as I could not stick up for myself. I had no one to stick up for me. I eventually found a place I could hang with others like me, so we could all hide away at break times.

In the mornings, those physical symptoms would come out as dry heaving. It wouldn't last long, and after a few minutes it would pass.

When I left school, I didn't look back. I left things like art stuff there and my woodwork project etc. But I just didn't want to go back. That building now doesn't exist, and I feel no loss for it at all.

Going to college after this, those symptoms went away. I was fine through my college life, I was finally getting some respect. I still had my doubts though, questioning people's intentions. My final year, was great. We had a close knit group, as a class we would always go to lunch together etc. I met two good friends there also.

I was pushed into university by my form tutor at college. He was quite old fashioned in that way. I didn't have enough credits to do the course I wanted, which was a four year degree course in Computers (networking). One of those years would have been work experience. I could have still successfully got in though, as courses need to have bums in seats. But I didn't feel I was worthy. Looking back now, I think it was a stupid thing to do.

In the end, I did the foundation degree course, which was two years with a chance at a third year to top it up to a full degree. I was successful in the end though, but I have my regrets.

Going back to anxiety; going to uni is what fully set me off. Instead of just having these panic attacks in the mornings, I would have them on and off all damn day. It would begin as I started to enter the building. To combat it, I found that sucking on a hard candy would sort of keep it at bay. I was using cough drops. I would get some funny looks, as of course it didn't look like I had a cold.

An associate I did work with would ask me if I had a cold. I think he thought I was weird. Later on I turned to mints, and to this day it is my go too thing to stop me from having a panic attack. Maybe I am even addicted, I do not know.

Of course, I kept all of this to myself. I think this made it worse. Eventually telling people about my affliction, has made it better. Who knows, perhaps I'll get over it one day.

More later.

Sega Dreamcast Arcade stick

Here is my review of the Dreamcast arcade stick!

Another reviewer said that the buttons are not micro switched. I think he was wrong though, the buttons might not be top quality, but they are indeed micro switched.

I now have two of these sticks, and thinking about replacing the buttons anyway, later on. Not sure though as grinding the case holes down is a lot of work.

Also to add to that, it would seem that the buttons on the stick don't actually correspond to buttons on the Dreamcast controller. It would seem to use a different set of commands, that specifically coded games need to interpret. Therefore (as I found with Bust A move 4) not all games work with it. Honestly, it was a really crappy way to implement it. It should have just been done like the other sticks with them just acting like a regular game controller, with a switch to turn the stick from analogue to digital, for full game compatibility.

I suppose though we can't expect more modern ideas on older items. Maybe I should pad hack them. Nahhhh to much messing about.

New youtube channel

I had to set up a new account for youtube. When google plus first went live, for some reason they decided it would be best to publish my email address by default. They don't do that now, but the damage was done.

Technically my channel under Deathaxe is still active, even though I closed the google plus etc from my main account. I think I can still use it but unsure. It took me quite a wile to transfer my subscriptions over. makes it easier though with the new account, as I didn't choose two step verification this time, so I can use apps on devices without messing around.

Click here to see my new channel i might re up the vids from the other channel, not sure what to do yet. I have a review up on the xbox virtua stick, so be sure to check it out if you are curious about the clone stick (they are actually quite rare).

Keep an eye out for my review on the Dreamcast arcade stick, by agetec. They have not arrived yet (I won two ebay auctions! gotta have two for two player action, of course).

Ta ta for now.

I'm still here

The time between posts seems to be getting longer, doesn't it? There has not been anything in particular that I have wanted to write about, nothing of any interest to anyone else anyway. That isn't the reason I write this blog though, it is more personal than anything else. Of course, anyone is free to read it. If you find it interesting, then that is great.

Gaming stuff
As you might have gathered, I have been collecting arcade peripherals. Arcade sticks for various systems. It is difficult to say which is the perfect one, I have many now, some of which are expensive and of a better quality, and others of some what lesser, but with great potential.

So far, I think that the best of the bunch is the Madcatz tournament edition. It is nice and big, has some weight to it. You get a sense of quality. The design is nice, plenty of hand room. And of course it comes with quality Sanwa arcade parts. The only downside is that it is only for one console (PS3), and that adding multi console support (while doable) is a pain. But then again, having different units for different consoles is part of the fun.

I recently picked up a couple of Dreamcast official sticks, they have yet to arrive in the post. I might do a video review of my thoughts of them. Check this space.

Recent projects, I picked up a clone of the Sega Virtua stick (originally for Sega Saturn) for the (original!) Xbox. I didn't like the buttons, so I took them out, only to find that they are not a standard size. this put me off at first, but then I got the dremel out, and made the holes bigger. I put in some spare Sanwa replica buttons. Those are much better. Modding the stick itself is more of a hassle, but it seems OK.

The world of work, And a cycle that needs to be broken

This story begins back in 2007. I had just started the last part of my final year of my Degree (Computers - Networking). I arrived back in January on a downer. You see, just before Christmas of 2006 (just a few days in fact) my father had passed away. This had the house in disarray, worries of bad credit, how to pay the bills etc. A Very worrying time, as we didn't even know if we could keep the house, and pay off my father's dept. (this was thankfully written off by the banks later on).

My friends where pleased to see me, and I them; asking how Christmas had been. They where supportive of me when I told them what had happened, and since I was doing group work with them, they helped me a little bit more. I am still grateful for them to this day, of course.

University ended, exams completed, qualifications finalised. I passed the course, and was looking forward to see what the world of work could offer me. Being summer though, I wanted to take a break. Not long though after finishing university, I had received a letter from the government, you know one of those in the brown envelopes, so you know it is going to be something not so good. It told me that my 'circumstances' had changed, and that I had to start paying in national insurance. That meant go get a job, but since I wanted a short break at least; I signed onto the dole.

Graduation came and went, and it was about time I started looking for work. Reality struck me hard at this point, as the seemingly endles rejection letters poured in, but mostly I didn't get responces at all. Telling me such things as, I lack the experiance, or that I was over qualified. This went on for quite some time.

Eventually, since I was unemployed for over 6 months, the job centre put me on what was called at the time "flexible new deal". They had just added the word flexible, as the previous scheme was just called "new deal". Of course there was nothing at all flexible about the whole thing, nor was it new. It was more of a "bad deal". They had me going upstairs, to see the same advisor every week to try and help me into work. The lady was no help at all of course.

I did go on some job interviews, and I needed some clothing for that. I could have paid for it out of the dole money; but instead I took advantage on what was on offer, an "adviser discretionary fund". I was given a voucher to take to a store to buy myself a suit. £100 was the maximum, I was told to go for the cheapest one. I'm a big lad, and of course need big sizes in clothing. The cheapest in my size was just under £100, around £97 I think. So I got the suit and took the receipt back to my adviser, only for her to have a go at me for using up most of the money, even though I gave her the reason. Oh well, I had the clothing so that was that.

Since my job centre adviser couldn't do anything for me, I was pushed onto the next part of the new deal scheme, which was attending a "course" at a place called "action for employment" or "A4E" for short. I was sent there for four weeks, doing poor exercises, CV writing, and how to fill in job applications. I came to realise very quickly, that the place would not help me at all. The staff where condescending, not treating people like adults at all. An awful place. I attended 5 days a week.

After this, ushered back to the job centre, only to be told that I would be going back to A4E for a further 13 weeks. Attending 5 days a week, from 9AM to 5PM. "oh but we want to simulate work hours!". The atmosphere of the place was uninviting. Non of the people wanted to be there, and the staff treating everyone with contempt.

I started off in the "large room" with more people than what there was space for. There were just two computers, both of which where taken up by the time I got in, with those same people being on them all day. The only other thing they "allowed" us to do was flip through the yellow pages, do telephone calls and send out spec letters. The line they gave was "there are more jobs available in the hidden jobs market" which of course is complete nonsense.And the other thing was to play scrabble. No thanks.

I started taking a book in with me to read, I sat silently in the corner by myself not liking anyone there, not causing any trouble. This was good for a while until the lady (more like beast) running that room and a strop at me for not following her orders. I had a talk with the manager about this, and as I can be a bit fragile, I was not assertive enough in that situation. Nevertheless, they moved me out of that room and I was put in the "computer room".

A smaller group of people, a more decent guy running the room, and I needed to interact with people less. Good. And of course access to a computer. We had to "job search" all damn day. Five days a week for seven hours. There is only so many places to search on, and just ended up messing with games and whatnot. We got an hour for lunch of course which I mostly spent out of the building to get away from there.

The boredom started to eat away at me, and by lunch time as I walked out of the building, I never returned for the rest of the day. I did this A LOT. But then due to this I was kicked off the "course" and sent back to the job centre for "non compliance" and was told they might be sanctioning my money. I never did hear the result of this, but my money was never stopped.

I was sent back to A4E a couple of weeks after this, and was put in the "naughty room". Full of chavs, horrible people. We had a movie day each Friday, and it was always some chav garbage. I forget what exactly they where, I've blocked a lot of the experience out of my mind. We had to go on walks in the country side, me with these awful people. The lady running the room liked to tell us about her teenage pregnancy years, and that she had worked her way up from there. She was an awful woman though.

This nightmare came to a close, and I was back at the job centre with my adviser from before. For some reason she seemed a bit more chipper, and was a lot nicer. Or maybe she seemed that way due to the contrast from my A4E experience. Either way, she had some training available; some retail training. It was sponsored by John Lewis, we where to have an interview at the end with a "guaranteed job"

This was to be done at "The Source", near meadowhall shopping centre. I was apprehensive about it at first, but arriving there to the modern building, it was almost inviting. Small training room with a nice lady running it, posh tea and biscuits. Great stuff! we learned on how to push sales, some customer support. I met a guy there, he liked his comic books and whatnot, so we got along well. I think he had learning difficulties, but he was a nice guy. The rest of the class where all female. We hung out in the comic book store at lunch time, and did out work together. Was actually fun.

Non of us on the course never made it past interview stage. This was not surprising, but was quite disappointing. We said out goodbyes, and I never saw any of them ever again. This was a two week course.

During all of this, I was applying for just about any job that even remotely resembled my skill level, which was quite a few. Most was agency work. Shortly after this, I recieved a call from "office angels"; invited me in to sign up and do a little test on the computer. After doing the test, (and filling out forms etc) the lady told me "right, you start Monday". A strange feeling came over me, of excitement, joy and a little dread.

Fianlly, after nearly two years of unemployment; I had a job! I was working for the immigration department of the home office, via the agency. I was here for nearly two years, the contract kept being extended. Started of with data input, then moving around to various teams doing all sorts of admin related tasks. I had a lot of experience for my CV.

After the nearly two years, reality struck again, as I was suddenly out of work again. My CV didn't seem to mean much to potential employers, as I didn't get any where. So once again I ended up on another government scheme. This time it was called the "Work program". The job centre told me I would either be sent to A4E, or SERCO. My heart sank, as memories of my previous time came back to me, and I nearly threw up outside.

Thenkfully though, I didn't end up at A4E. SERCO do things a little differently to other providers, and they outsourse to other smaller providers. There are three stages to this scheme, where you spend a few weeks at one provider and if they can't help you, moved onto another etc. I started out at a place called Wise Ability.

I was introduced to a place of empty promises and cattle like maneuvering of people. There was a "welcome session" where we where gathered into a room in front of a projector with a presentation. We where told they would do all sorts of things for us, it seemed very promising. But going in for my first official appointment, we where shown a computer and told to apply for X amount of jobs. And that was it. Near the end of my time there, I was given some one to one sessions, with a guy that didn't know one day from the next, or if he was coming or going. This didn't go anywhere. My last day I was told another place would get into contact with me.

I was contacted by a place called "yes2ventures". They booked me in, sent me a letter etc. Looking at the map I was quickly confused. The place was in a part of Sheffield that I rarely visited, seemingly in the middle of no where. I got lost on the way, but eventually got there.

I was surprised on how different the place was. Very tiny office with just a couple of rooms. Of course I was nervous. I was sat in yet another "welcome session" with just a couple of others. We sat and talked about how bad our previous providers where. The man running the session, a Mark Powell, was running late. We waited in there for what must have been an hour. When he eventually showed, it was well worth the wait. A very well mannered man greeted us, and sat talking to us about various things. It was not formal at all, and even though I couldn't quite control my anxiety; I was a little more at ease.

My first one to one with Mark, I discussed with him some things that I had never previously discussed with any "strangers" before. I think it was a mix of me at this stage being more open about my anxiety, and the fact that this man was very easy to talk to, and very understanding. He could see that I was not quite ready for work, didn't push me into anything, and we had a nice chat every couple of weeks.

He obviously saw some potential in me, as a month so in, he called me and offered me a potential job working for him to fill in the shoes of a guy that worked at the front desk of the small office. There was some training to be done with the computer system, after which I would be able to start the paid or un-paid work. With me was another guy called Cliff, nice guy. Pete the main admin guy trained us on a couple of Fridays. We did a test at the end of it, and passed. Yey.

So not long after I received a call. It was either Mark or Pete, I can't remember now. I had got the job! just over 16 hours, but it was enough to sign off and get back into work. Great stuff. Getting off the phone with a similar feeling I one had at the agency, of excitement, joy, and a little dread. I remember calling my friends with the news.

The place has had a few staff changes, I feel even more at ease here, and enjoying spending time with my colleagues. They are great people, and for the first time I feel right at home. As even at the home office, I didn't get on that well with people, like they where on a completely different level. I did make friends there though, just not on the same teams I worked on.

(The cycle by  the way, was nearly 2 years out of work, then nearly two years in. Then nearly two years out again. It is getting close to two years being in work, so let's hop the cycle is broken and that I am still here by this time next year!)

I am still here at Yes2Ventures to this day. And it all because of the great guy that runs this place. So I dedicate this post to Mark Powell.

Work work, money made.

I was making room in my storage room the other day, I have accumilated a LOT of stuff. No not like an episode of horders; actual good stuff. My figures, transformers, computer stuff, gaming stuff etc. Anyway, I came accross a folder of my Father's, from a place he attended training courses at back in the day.

An essay he did for his careers module; I could see a lot of myself in here. Like father like son I guess. I thought it might serve as some inspiration for some of the people that come in, needing help to find work, and get their lives back on track. So without further a do, here it is.


Careers Essay, By David Ahmed

For me, the purpose of this essay is to try to convey what my plans are for the future, career-wise. To do this I must also bring in the past and present, and then link them all together, hopefully determining the right path.

I first left school some twenty years ago, back in 1971, at the age of fifteen. My original plans where to stay on, to gain qualification, mainly in the subjects of English, Art, and commerce. I would also learn to type.

However, I had only been in my extra year for a couple of weeks when my father asked me if I was interested in filling a job for a vacancy which existed at a steel rolling and forging company where he worked. My father worked in the rolling department, but the vacancy was in the forging section.

At first I was not too thrilled at the idea, especially as I regarded myself as a sensitive type, who even hated the metal work classes in my previous school years. What tempted me though, was the chance of a decent weekly starter wage.

I had become accustomed to having money, what with the small wage I had been receiving from a part-time job, stacking shelves in a local supermarket, and the generous allowance that I got from my parents. The chance at a full wage was just too tempting.

During the interview at the firm, I was told that I had got the job. Admittedly though, when I walked past the forge where I was to work, and saw the banging steam hammers and white hot metal, it made me cringe.

My feelings did not change when I started the job. I was quiet, and the ‘old hand’ forge men were reluctant to teach me the ropes. Nevertheless, I persevered, and resolved that one day I would do the job as good as any of the men there.

This I did, and not only that; I left some time later, to work for another company which produced even heavier work.

A while after, I returned to work for the firm I had originally started with; this time though, with even greater confidence, and a lot more respect from my fellow workers. I was later to realise that all thia was based on wrong thinking, though I did not see it at the time.

The next ten years of my life where spent in that industry, adding up to about thirteen years all-told.

For one reason or another, including redundancies, I left the industry, and went back to work with a couple of firms that produced light metal work. My duties included a little machining, assembling and such. Redundancies though, ended my time with them, and it was then that I began my long encounter with the dole office.

I have been unemployed for a few years now, during which time I have been through spurts of enthusiasm in looking for work, and due to repeated disappointments; times when I have never looked at all.

My time has not been completely wasted though. Our library service has proved to be very, very useful to me. I have spent hours in those places, reading books on subjects ranging from photography which has been a favourite of mine to uplifting books on self-growth, which came under the spiritual, physiological and philosophical. This for me, is the most interesting subject.

As far as the photography is concerned, I was so fired up with it a couple of years ago, that I joined an evening course at a local college. My aim was to gain an academic qualification. Sadly though, photography is largely a middle class pastime, and in this subject at least, even our socialist-backed colleges favour the ‘haves’ over the ‘have nots’.

To cut a long story short, I left after a few months, with a bitter taste in my mouth. For I decided that a mare ‘C’ grade, which looked to be the best I would get, due to being at a financial disadvantage; would not reflect the knowledge I had gained in the subject.

Although, I believe that there is something to be gained out of every experience. I regard the practical darkroom experience I got from the course as invaluable. One day it may come in useful.

 As far as any other kind of structured training was concerned; due to the year of not getting work at the end of it, I never even considered it; that is until I joined MATREC, where I still am to this day.

MATREC is an acronym standing for Manor Training and Resource Centre; Manor being the area of Sheffield where I live. It is not a government connected agency, but exists mainly for the needs of local people; with a variety of sponsors. 

The organisation is relatively new, and was first brought to my notice in the summer of 1990. Apparently they had been launched some kind of publicity campaign, which included representatives knocking on doors in the locality, and speaking to people with regards to training needs.

One such person knocked on our door one day, whilst I was out. My wife had politely said that we were not interested, and I gave support to her response when I got home.

As part of that same campaign though, we received a leaflet, a few days later. I remember sitting down and reading it, deciding that I would go and visit them to see what was on offer.

A short while after, maybe a couple of days, I called in at MATREC. I recall trying to open the door, and as I did so, a short and odd sounding alarm beep occurred as I got the door open. Evidently this was a security measure to announce visitors. Even so, this seemed to put me off in some way, and I promptly walked away from the place without ever going in. if I was to be honest with myself though, it served as a good excuse for me not to have to speak to anyone there. What the experience did to for me though was get me interested in training of some kind at least. 

Some weeks later, whilst I was in the city centre, I had a chance meeting with my daughter’s first ever primary school teacher, who had now left teaching, but was working for the L.E.A. She asked me where I was bound for, and I told her I was looking for training of some kind. After our conversation, I said goodbye to her, and she wished me luck in my endeavour.

Just a few days later though, I bumped into her again, whilst in the town centre. Apparently in her capacity as a representative of the L.E.A., she had been speaking to someone from MATREC for some reason. Remembering from our last meeting that I was looking for training, she had mentioned my name, saying that she would direct me to them the next time she saw me. Our second meeting enabled her to do this. I then left this good lady, saying that I would visit MATREC the following day; whilst at the same time conveying my thanks to her.

The following day I called ay MATREC, but the time I got through the front door without being too deterred by the strange alarm.

Before I got any further, I think it best for me to mention, that the main reason I was making this visit, was out of sheer respect to the lady who had directed me there. For I had always, and still do, hold her in very high regard.

Anyway, when I got into the building, I asked to see the person whose name had been given to me. He then came out to chat with me, giving me various information.

I must admit, I was impressed with everything, the place itself, the person speaking to me, and the information I was being given. It was agreed that I would begin a ten week module starting in September of that year. This would be on the subject of basic computing, and would be held in a local church hall, rather than the centre itself. For this I would be attending one day each week for approximately two hours.

Also, provided that I got through all they successfully, I would then start another course at the centre itself in January; a course which would last a whole year, with attendance of two full days a week. This was called: General Office Course, and would incorporate a good many skills, which included also included English and typing. I signed for both courses at the same time.

That day, I left the MATREC building, a happier person. I also felt very strange as it suddenly dawned on me that I was back in a similar position to what I was twenty years, or nearly thirty years earlier, when I had stayed on at school. Even the skills were going to be very similar to some of the ones I was going to o back then. This time though, I promised myself I would see it through.

When I mentioned earlier about my wrong-thinking whist I was working in those forges, it was because I should have been asking myself just why it was that I was seeking respect of my fellow workers, in a job that, if I had been completely honest with myself; hated.

Please don’t take me wrong; I will always have a particular respect for the people who work in that job. Also, whilst I was working in it, I received good pay, and had very few complaints in that respect.

What I should have been doing though, was concentrating on getting out of the steel industry altogether, and perusing something which fell into line with the real me.

Thankfully though, because of the ever changing pace of the steel industry, forging included;  I am no longer qualified for it. Even for those that are, there are very few jobs anyway.

When I was talking about something to be gained out of every situation; in the case of unemployment, this is giving me the opportunity to follow up some kind of career that I will truly enjoy, as it gives me the chance to get the required training.

Anyhow, when the time came for me to start that first course at the church hall, I must admit, a feeling of apprehension swept over me. Though this turned out to be unfounded, for the course was really enjoyable. All the people where nice, both tutors and students; and the subject was very interesting. Even the lady vicar from that church was on the course, which added to the feeling of togetherness in learning.

During the very last lesson, very near to Christmas, we were all partaking of a drink of wine and a mince pie, and I can remember reflecting on everything I had gained from it all. This included, new friends, some good basic knowledge in computing, the prospect of a college certificate to prove it, and the awareness that I was doing something that fell more into line with what I wanted. I was now ready to start the fuller course at the centre in the New Year, and looking very forward to it.

Just before Christmas, all those who would be starting the year-long course at MATREC, were invited down there for a talk, and a cup of coffee and such.

On the last course, the people were mainly much older than I was, in fact, some were elderly. There was only one other man apart from myself; nevertheless his presence made me feel a little less isolated in that respect. However, those on the next course would all be young ladies, and I cannot put into words how I was feeling about that.

I arrived for that designated open day at MATREC just prior to Christmas. The gentleman who I had spoken to on my first visit showed me into the coffee lounge to meet some of those ladies who would be joining me on the course, and I wondered how they would greet me. Thankfully though, all turned out well.

Some of us then went onto watch a video about MATREC, followed by the chance to ask questions and to have a chat.

I came away feeling encouraged, though I’ve got to admit, still a little nervous about the fact that I was to be the only man on our particular course.

Christmas, spent of course with my wife and two children, seemed to pass quickly. When New Years Eve came though, my guts started to ache at the prospect of starting this course. In fact I began to ask myself what the hell I had let myself in for.

I am happy to say though, that these fears too were unfounded, and that so far, my time at MATREC has been truly worthwhile. I have learned to type, suing all fingers, something I have always wanted to do. Alright, my speed is not up to much yet, but I’ll get there.

The other subjects have been great too. Communications, with its accent on debate; computing at a more advanced level; English, with its emphasis on the written word; and not forgetting of course, careers, and much more.

All the facilities and the equipment at MATREC are excellent, but where it comes into its own, is through the warmth and friendliness of both staff and students alike.

As well as critical appraisal where need be, students are also given encouragement and support in their natural abilities. After all, encouraging words here and there, can sometimes be all that are needed to spur a student on to succeed in his or her chosen field.

Unlike schools, with their seemingly ridiculous expectation that pupils excel in every subject. Their constant cries of “doesn’t try hard enough” “could do better” and other such ludicrous ranting can do for confidence what foot and mouth does for cattle.

Even though MATREC’s premises are being expanded at the moment, one noticeable aspect of the centre is that because it is on the smaller side at present, there is little space to hide. This effectively almost forces people to socialise more. Eventually this can do wonders for the self-confidence, and the same time, make a person a lot of friends. This has helped me no end, particularly as I had been of the ‘people scene’ for quite a while before joining these courses.

Since this essay is being written for the careers module, I think it fitting for me to mention that I have chosen not to do a ‘job study’ as originally requested. This is because, rather than to take time up doing a detailed study of a single job that I would probably never do, I would rather use the time to try to asses which career path I would like to take.

Although this is not a criticism, for I realise that for some people the ‘job study’ could prove to be a useful exercise, especially if they were that little more certain of what they wanted to do.

All in all, I recon the careers module has been worthwhile. The exercise I liked best, was the one where were given packs of small cards listing our preferences, talents, skills etc., and fitting them to the corresponding jobs. I also enjoyed the computerised version of this, which we were able to use whist out on a trip to the careers office one week.

Much of what I learned about myself on the exercises, I already knew. However, sometimes when an old truth, even one only known to ourselves is expressed or illuminated to us in a new way, it can often bring about a depth of realisation never known to us before. Moreover, if we didn’t know in the first place, then we have benefited even more. In my own case, I think I learned something.

My appreciation also goes out to Chris, the ‘tutor’ of this particular module, who’s job, particularly in an area like careers, is not an easy one.

I have a fair idea what I would like to do career-wise, and it lies in the area of advisory or counselling work. Without giving away too much about myself personally, I have experienced a lot of suffering in my own life, and I reason that if I could help others in some way, then at least it has been worth it. By the way, any office skills and such that I acquired would serve as a backup for me in that kind of job.

I never know though, I may finish up doing something different; I’ll leave the way open for now.

MATREC is soon to begin some work experience programmes, which for me, is the best opportunity ever of finding out what I would like to do. Hopefully, if I try a bit of this and a bit of that, I will end up finding my niche in life, whatever that may be….

Today's weird dream

Not wrote much about games lately, I have gotten quite a bit of stuff but just not had the motivation to post about it.

So for now here is an interesting dream I had. It seems that most of my dreams (if not all) are not actually about me, or even my life. It is always like a movie, with me and other people from my life playing a role. No one  ever plays as themselves.

This time I was in a house, and some psychopath shows up (played by one of my friends) and I end up fighting them. One part had him with a shotgun, me jumping out of the way and fighting back with a hoover. He was an intruder in the house, bu the house was not mine (my character) I was there because I thought the person living there was in danger. It ended with him fleeing the house, later on seeing him at a train station. With a nod he acknowledges his defeat, and we both depart as the train arrives. Weird shit.

I was thinking of doing a comparison of good controllers for 2D games, maybe as a video or written article, as lately I picked up the Sega Megadrive 6 button controller that has the same D-Pad as the Second Sega Saturn controller. Perfect for modern 2D fighters, better than those Madkatz official Street Fighter controllers. Watch this space.

The Neverhood

Long time no updates eh? I'll do a pickups type thing soon; but for now something a little different.

A collegue has been trying to get me into adventure gaming on the PC. This is the kind of thing he grew up with, and the main type of games he plays on. As with me, I grew up with Sega gaming, and that is the sort of games that I play on; we are both set in our ways it seems.

So the guy that made the Earthworm Jim series made games with Dreamworks, The Neverhood being an adventure game, and its sequel Skull Monkeys. The thing that makes this series unique is the fact that they are animated with clay. A very interesting look indeed for games. The guy has a kick starter going for a third game here same sort of thing, quite humorous!

Not the first adventure game of this type I have played, back in the old days I had Broken Sword for the PC; but even then I didn't really get much into adventure gaming. I have tried other games like monkey island and whatnot; but can't get into them that much.

Anyways, after much messing with virtual machines (The Neverhood is from 1996) and trying to get it to run natively on my windows 7 laptop; I FINALLY got the game running correctly in ScummVM. Go download a daily build with the engine here.

Obtain the game however you like, you can take out a bank loan, mortgage your home; and get a copy from ebay. Or alternitivly you can go download it from your favourite torrent site.

Now then, install the game. Go on the disc (that you mounted using your favourite disc emulation software, I suggest Daemon tools) copy all of the files from the disc into your installation folder. Go into ScummVm, add game, browse to your game folder, click choose and you are done. Click play, it will open the game in a window; ALT+Enter to full screen mode it: done.

Enjoy! all the same keys do all the same stuff, ESC to bring up the internal game menu to save etc. And you can save state in ScummVm.

Enjoy!

Marvel and Hasbro loot

Hi folks, taken me a while to get around to this post (yes I am very lazy) but here we are. As well as game stuff I collect a lot of other stuff too. Stuff from Marvel, DC, Transformers stuff etc.

So the other week I was crusing ebay looking for Iron Man stuff. To my surprise, some of the last wave of Iron Man 2 have hit the UK! these really are just repaints of previous figures, but they look nice and shiney, so I had to have them! Here they are:

Great line of figures these, plenty of articulation, nice detailing, nice paints, great designs of course. Such a shame that Hasbro cheaped out with the new Iron man 3 line. Now those are really bad! saves my wallet for other things though I suppose.. Now with things I have space to display; I take them out of the packaging and throw it away. But since I have no room they have joined the other ones on the wall:

Next up we have a couple of Transformers from 'Transformers: Prime'. Leader of the Decepticons: Megatron and Ultra Magnus of the Autobots! Designs are nice for their robot modes, but unfortunately the quality of the materials used is horrible. There is hardly no weight to these at all (previous Transformers stuff of this size was a lot more heavy in previous lines) and the plastic is very thin! I have seen knock-offs with better quality plastic.

Apart from that they are OK, they do look pretty decent. Magnus though has very floppy arms and a heavy weapon, so needs two hands to hold the damn thing. Hasbro really are a shit company lately, with all the retarded decisions they are making, it makes me wonder that sort of crazy shit they are smoking.

This is what they transform into, Magnus is very easy to transform, so easy in fact that the design in this way just seems lazy. Decent-ish looking truck thing, but they could have done better. Megatron is fiddly at first, and ends up with a very rubbish looking flying....thing. Again this is very lazy design work here.

Next up is the best of the haul, Marvel select venom! This figure really is great, as are all Diamond's stuff. They really do make great quality items, that completely shit on anything Hasbro can come up with. Here it is:

As you can see, this has some nice detail, is quite large, has plenty of articulation and is just awesome. He has three sets of hands that are swappable, 3 swappable heads, and that back part with the extra arms and heads can be removed if you wish. So lots of choice and ways to display it!

So there you have it. I have some console related videos I need to throw onto YouTube soon so watch out for those.

To finish off, here is a pic of one of my shelves of interesting items:

Weekend loot

When I woke up on Friday morning, even with the blinds down; I could tell that we had some snow fall. I looked out of the window.... bugger. I thought all the weather reports where just hype, but apparently not. It was not too bad, but it was still snowing a little.

My plan was to go into town, sort out some finances and hit the games shops. But with the snow I was going to leave it.... but then decided to pop out and back while the bus was still running. Called a buddy to come with, and we set out.

Sorted my finances, then we hit the game shop (playtime multimedia). There sitting in the glass case of cool stuff, was a Gray Sega Saturn. I already have a black UK version, so at £80 I thought well.... I don't really need a Japanese Saturn as I have a 4-in-1 cart that lets me play imports on my black one. Then my friend said "hey it says it comes with 27 games!". This caught my interest, so I went over to the counter and asked if I could see what the games where.

So it turns out that most of these games are bootlegs, and the console is fitted with a mod chip to play backups.

"I'll take it!"

This is the JVC 'V-Saturn' so it is a bit more rarer than the standard versions. Looking on eBay, just one person is selling one of these at £100, un-modded. So at £80 I got a great deal here. With mod chip + my 4-in-1 cart, I can play games from all regions, with backups from all regions. NICE! I discovered I can just patch the disc images to any region anyway so I don't even need the cart unless I am using cheat codes, or using the 4MB extra ram that some games need.

Here is some other stuff I got that day (from the same place!)

'Baldur's Gate Dark Alliance' a top down (ish) RPG, I already have the second one so was looking out for this. You do quests, hacking and slashing along with a running story with cut scenes and bad voice acting. Actually the cut scenes themselves are pretty badly put together. Well this is just going on the second one, some guy talking about building a tower. Fun.

'Downforce' is an arcade racing game that just happens to have formular-1 cars in. Non of the tracks seem to be actual F1 tracks, just generic arcade racing tracks, which is nice. controls are ok, but nothing to to get all giddy about.

'Wipe3out' or 'Wipeout 3' if you prefer. I have the special edition of this which is better as it includes tracks from the previous game. But at £3, why not? I am a collector after all.

'Rayman' is a nice 2D platformer, featuring a dude with floating limbs. Yeah they are not attached. It is good fun, run and jump and punch through levels. That is it really. Great stuff.


I now need to find a way to use my PlayStation based arcade stick on my Sega Saturn. adapters are hard to find ugh....what ever will I do?